The days that leaded to Prince Mischief downfall, on one of my beloved night outings, I went home with one of these boys that normally, would make my senses explode. During and after sex, I was still comparing how I did feel with each one of them: why little rascal made me go outside of myself in spite of being the total oppossite of what I like in a man, and why I did not feel much with this gorgeous creature.
People, rest assured that this is me, trying to get a grasp of what is it exactly that I look for, what do I prefer and what I would commit to.
I did not know much about this guy, just that he was on a sabbatical and was traveling around the world. I did know his name as he added me on one of his social networks after our first night together. For some reason I am still trying to figure out, I have decided with some men, to dispossess them from their names; I do have on my contacts, a list of people identified as If they were gang members: The Chilean, xxx, a.m, Texas, Lux. Perhaps as they say, If you don't name them, they do not exist.
I have said many times that in the business of love and sex I am pretty practical. Or so I think.
He did leave the next day, and that was that for me. But having met him made me reflect on the type of men I feel extremely attracted to -and that is exactly what I want- I have seen (and I am absolutely grateful to all of them) that each one of my dudes bring something to me, that helps me complete the puzzle of him. This one was 6'2'' blonde, long wavy hair just right above his shoulders. Blue eyes, scruffy -almost yellow- beard. Thick, red lips. Hoarse, raspy voice just like the voices of these men that articulate directly from the throat. He reminded me of a devoted lover from Sweden who kept calling for 3 years, 2 of them from Sweden, whose phonation, speech pattern and demeanor was very similar.
After a couple of weeks, on a fateful Friday afternoon, he asked me out. I thought the boy was long gone. Following night we met, and I saw him walking towards me and I just really couldn't do anything else but smile and prepare a sumptuous feast in my head. I was sitting there, all weaponry out. Not in the way you think. What I mean by this, is when I am at my most masculine-feminine killer-lover innocent-fierce 'A' fuckin' game.
We were at the bar and sitting -not side by side- but facing each other, eyes locked. Very close, occasionally grabbing legs, shoulders, backs, whispering, drinking, laughing. It was one of those moments where your surroundings matter very little and you are not interested on how anything or anyone looks. Conversation flowed, sense of humor was spot on, there was nothing odd or out of place.
He kissed me.
Hours later we came to my place, poured -at this time- unnecessary drinks, he started a fire, lit up candles and my favorite incense. I was laying on the sofa, just contemplating the entirety of the scene, he came to me, kissed me, and undressed me. Took me upstairs and we made love before instantly surrendering to what was left of the night. We spent the whole day together, fucking, drinking wine, bathing, watching a downpour of epic proportions, napping. Nothing I recalled from the last time, was similar to this one. Nor the way I felt, nor the way he felt.
Maybe I did not recall shit. Maybe this was the real deal. Maybe we did open ourselves in a different way.
He was a caring lover, dedicated. A good listener. Very close and intimate. He would lay right below my chest for hours and would never stop caressing me, and it felt natural. He would allow all kinds of love on him and like he said 'sugar, was never enough'.
Boy, these people, I like.
Appetite was easy, but making the meal last what it had to, was not a challenge. This is what happens when you cut deals without knowing, but understanding, how both of you feel best. After all, I do think of everything as the now. Now. Now.
This was everything I wanted. He was leaving the country the next day. He left at night, and he asked me if I was going to miss him.
'Oh, yes. (Every inch of you.)'
I woke up the next day with the sensation of a void in my heart. I felt lonely. Why there isn't the same human being that I wake up next to for days, months, years, and we end up kissing endlessly? Where is this one that will make me share all I am, all I know, all I do, all I regret, all I miss?
I did think: if this is the level of love we can exchange with some people that you just met (yes, this is love, don't kid yourselves) I can only imagine how great and infinite our love can be. I have had that.
I do long for the depths, twists, turns of a whole discovery of two, and nothing would make me happier than sharing this with the right one for a longer period of time, wherever you are, puzzle man.
I love being in two, my 'nows' are filled with two, but my 'nows' are full of different ones. Perhaps, my ego is so big I need to feel that power of getting yet another conquest. Maybe I cannot bear not being with someone. Perhaps I don't want to be comitted, perhaps this is the way it works for me. For some of you my 'nows' can be distracting. Truth is, I just really want one who fills my 'nows.' And I, will keep looking.
(In the meantime, I will just let these feelings sit until the next best thing, comes along.)