Over lunch I distinctively remember saying these words: 'for now I am in the clear, he has not asked me shit... but I know the clock is ticking' In a strange turn of events, the boy that had no option, no future, no nothin' dared to have the conversation, that dreadful talk for many about 'feelings'.
It usually starts with the question, How do you feel about me (us)? And this time, was no different. I certainly was not expecting it to happen at the time it did, but once we got on that subject -and after I spat my tequila- I knew there was no way around it. But why was I dreading this particular conversation, if in general, I do complaint about the fact that people are not brave enough to talk about it even if it means shit needs to be over? I for one, end things with peculiar demeanor, and often.
The reason is kinda simple: I was going to be blunt and say the words that were the complete opposite of his feelings. So there I was. Eyes on the horizon, breathing in an unsucessful attempt to buy time with each intake, and thinking to myself (let's try not to be so brutal) So I said: I do enjoy having sex with you, very much...
He did not let me finish, when he asked me,
Do you love me?
Because I love you. And I love you, a lot.
(Fuck)
And then, I felt like those dudes from the movies that give the chick some lame ass answer so they can get laid that night and if they are great at delivering their lines, hopefully many more times. 'Cause once you say I love you, chances are that if the receiving end doesn't replicate, with words and body language, he or she is getting fucked eventually and not in the good way, my friends.
... And I said, I love you too (pause) in a very special way. (oh shit def. not my best performance.)
My 'special' way of loving him was fucking his brains out with full dedication and why not, borderline devotion, because I do adored the way my body received his. With him my petite mort was a sacred, godly place we did build, that we shared in solemn silence and it also was, the most honest moment of us.
Shortly after, he made me wonder if this is the only way I learned to love.
